It's hard in my Walk when I won't accept forgiveness.. I have this humanized view of God as if eventually He'll get sick of how much I'm wronging Him, decide He's sick of my apathy, and turn His back on me forever.. For some reason I feel like if I stay away from Him, I can avoid the inevitable breaking of His heart due to my inability to keep from straying.. I know this isn't true.. But part of me believes it.. I hate that I believe it, but I do..

I'd say I'm a little foreign to forgiveness.. I've never been completely comfortable with it.. I don't feel worthy of it.. And I don't like to do it..

Then I heard a sermon(Don't remember when/where.. Jason? IDK). They said "... He's dying to forgive"... He's dying the forgive.. What? He's grieving to forgive me?

Grieving to forgive me for grieving Him? What?

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My whole life I've looked at women in abuse situations, seen their pain and sometimes inability to leave their abusive relationships.. I always said I would never, EVER, be in that situation.. And if I ever was I would be "smart enough" to leave.. That my common sense and pride would keep me from ever lowering to that level..

So what am I in now? I let Satan run over me everyday.. I'm criticized, hurt, and scarred because I won't get myself out of such an abusive relationship that I run back to over and over.. and Over.. and Over..again. I can't count the number of times I've fallen away, crawled back, and fallen again.. Do you see the parallelism? I know how to be Saved.. But my blindness keeps me from truly living..

It all comes back to forgiveness.. I won't accept it.. I know I'll fail again so I don't want to try..

Words can't explain how sick of this I am.. I am so faithless..



My thoughts of the night