This is long and confusing..

I couldn't feel Him..


God was a set of facts and past experiences that I held onto because I knew they were true..


But I didn't feel passion for Him...



I knew God was omniscient.. And I yawned..

I knew God loved me enough to die for me.. And I felt unloved

I'd look at the world around me... And tell myself it was wonderful-
without falling on my knees.. Crying out in enamoredness to the Most High..

I didn't feel emotional.. connected.. Alive in Christ...


I prayed to feel Him.. To be swept away by His glory... and to be transformed..

Questioning myself is hard.. and I am doubtlessly my own toughest critic.. I knew because I wasn't feeling an emotional connection to God that I had it wrong.. I had turned my head from the fact that I was living selfishly and wondered why I wasn't being fulfilled..

Tonight at 531 I was stuggling with my immunity to feel the wonders of Christ. I'd feel guilty realizing I was captivated by the music instead of the Lord that created it. In prayer triangles I prayed God would fill us all.. I prayed to feel His presence.. I needed to FEEL the passion of God rather than KNOW about the passion of God..

They began to play "Everlasting God"

"You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

You are the everlasting God

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles"

Immediately an image from Shepard of the Ozarks came to my mind.. It was of Saturday morning when I woke up early and went out to the cliff edge looking over the water and Ozark Mountains.. I sat there on the rock talking to God.. Sharing with God.. I ended up singing to Him.. Changing lyrics to how I hope to be and how I wanted to feel toward Him.

And as I sang to God in 531.. "You are the everlasting God".. I got the amazing image of the Ozark Mountains towering above the river and land below me.. God showed me He is the everlasting God.. He made this nature, which I feel passionate for, therein, I can find passion for Him..

These things I feel for.. They bow down to the God I'd become desensitized to. .

"You do not faint, You won't grow weary.." The majesty of the mountains in my mind at that second put my weary self to shame.. How great is our God!

Tears came to my eyes as I felt the sovereignty of the Lord..

"You're the defender of the weak, You comfort those in need.." You love me. You love ME.

"You lift us up on wings like eagles.." I see myself taking off, full flight above the mountains.. Being lifted up on wings like eagles..


I cry and thank God...

He's shown Himself to me and ignited a flame within...

He is so faithful